Following Pipe Dreams
Letting go of the past and forgetting the future...
~ Jonathan Fleig
My wife needed to go back to Kansas to help her family through a hard time. Once again we were going to be separating for a while and once again, we put all of our worldly possessions in a storage unit. We gave up our apartment in Carlsbad she headed home and I opted to stay in California, keep my good job and live with friends until she could rejoin me. The main purpose of staying behind was so that I could continue pursuing a career with my band. I had no idea that the band was moments away from imploding.
It would be impossible to relate just how much I loved the band Soup and all the musicians who would come and go. The best way to say it would be this: I put all of my creative energies into her. I offered her every song I was able to write. And this time in my life -- alone, living in this tent was a very fruitful time of writing some the best songs I would ever write. I held nothing back for myself. I gave this project everything I had. What I couldn't see then was that Soup and her demise was performing a perfect work in my mind and spirit and ultimately my music. It was so hard to let Soup go.
I remember sitting alone in the wee hours of the morning playing a chord progression that would become "Pipe Dreams." The words and the melody began to spew from my lips effortlessly. It became a song in literally five minutes.
"No going backwards, and the sides are no good.
I refuse to do those things that I know I should."
These lines to the last verse have become a mantra in my life. You can't go back and you can't sit on the sidelines anymore. At some point you are going to have to muster the courage to face the big obstacles in your life preventing you from being who you want to be. I recently read a quote that said, "if you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you: You will be unhappy for the rest of your life."
"Love your Neighbor as you love your Self." To me, a huge obstacle, is loving my Self. Discontinuing old habits, ways of thinking, attitudes and perceptions of the world that put limits on my Self is what this life is all about.
I would eventually leave the tent. Soup would break up. I would head back to Kansas to live for a while. Being back in Kansas has proven to be another giant pink tent. She is whittling me down even further. I am letting go of more and I am learning to forget about the future. I am still in pursuit of the pipe dream though. I am breaking my body one day at a time. I'm purging my soul from all my crimes.
For 58 days I lived in a giant pink tent in my friends front yard in Oceanside, CA. Let's just say I had hit a rough patch. Or rather, a fork in the road. This was one of many attempts albeit a long shot to keep my band Soup together.